New Year New You

Isn't it great that we can start over and do everything right this time? This feeling usually lasts through Gymuary and then people go back to eating bags of snacks on their couches.

A friend was thinking that on New Year's Day she was going to feel bad because she had not met her goals. This idea- I'm going to feel bad later- is a terrible trap. I could see that for her, but didn't know how to express it. But I did realize that the reason it bothered me to hear her say it is that I must be dealing with the same issue. Doing things now for later is part of anxiety. I'm not talking about preparation, but the need to have a backup for the backup of the backup. The need to go through all the possibilities before acting; or the need to know before things happen.

I read recently that living in the past is pointless because it's over. More importantly, for most people, living in the past means replaying the mistakes and misfortunes. I don't think glorying in past successes is nearly as common or nearly as bad. Anxiety about the future is borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

I was talking about a diagnosis with the patient's wife. And she just naturally felt that until there was something to worry about, there was nothing to worry about. I thought of how healthy that thought was. We never actually have anything to worry about, but why go there early? Before something bad happens, we don't have anything to react to, or overcome or deal with? Why do some people go through the negative permutations and put themselves through the pain because it might happen?

Lately I've been trying to identify the things that bother me in others so I can apply them to myself, rather than tell them they're wrong. They may not be wrong, but when that feeling comes up in me I realize it's telling me something I want to change for me.

There are people who sit around thinking about what they can't eat, waiting for retirement and that tells me to be more intentional. Yesterday someone told me that if a person can afford to work part time, then there was nothing wrong with it. The distortion in that thought, for me, is that I don't want to work in order to get enough, because there is no "enough." That's a judgement call. I want to work to be productive and get something done that will also bring in money.

My desire to know, which is a fundamental need to control- misguided, non-helpful and debilitating, is a reflection of mistrust.

I was watching a kid cross the street with his Daddy. If Father is the closest image we have of God, there is a reason. The two year old was completely content to wait on the sidewalk holding his Father's hand. It was not because he knew the traffic patterns and when it would be a good time to step off onto the road. It was not because he trusted the Orlando drivers. It was because he knew his Father would take him across the street when it was time. He trusted the Hand that was holding his.

Mistrust of authority, the desire to know what's going to happen before it happens, the fear to take a misstep, concern over having enough, or being enough, worry about the past or future- worry at all... are all symptoms of not being connected enough to God. I wonder what I am supposed to do. That's because I'm not holding on. The child doesn't need to know how long he's been waiting at the curb. The child doesn't need to know where they are headed next or which direction they are pointing, or whether the drivers whizzing by have on their headlights or have passed their driving tests. He needs to let his Father hold his hand, and not let go or run off, but walk where he is led. This is something a two year old can do and would not be asked of him if he couldn't do it.